Friday, September 19, 2008

Clearing the Path

We are all on a path. Some of us have taken a circuitous route to where we are.

I turned 50 this week. I contemplated a big ole' bash to celebrate, but I am too much of a hostess to be able to enjoy my own parties, and many of my closest friends are out of town so I opted for another form of honoring my life.

In preparation for this milestone I decided to face things that have prevented me from feeling free, places in my life where there has been resistance or fear, obstacles that I created and tossed on my path to derail me.

Many of these issues are about being public.

Once one makes a declaration like that, there are going to be some profound breakdowns.

The first thing that showed up in my facing fears was being hired to shoot a TV show/documentary about the fringe conversation of UFO's and alien abduction/ contact. A subject that for many is just to crazy to contemplate, but for me it has been a dance of attraction and repulsion.Stepping up and really becoming a part of this "conversation" was dangerous to me.

I came out of this illuminated , and deeply compassionate to the participants who are experiencing this daunting topic . I found myself honored to be a conduit in this program and giving up the fear associated with being "connected" to this subject.

I had to face my resistance to writing "the book" the beginning to a series of material that has been gestating.
Framing how I got to this point in my life and to share this with the public has been something that is easy for me to resist. But my soul would not let me rest. So as I declared I would focus on this book, a famous author shows up on my path to assist me in the process. She will be my task master as I face this public voice.

I have been an actress for 30 years. I am still fortunate to work in a very uncertain industry, however I am called to share my gifts of "connecting " and being with the public in service doing the mediumship and psychic work.

The acting was a way I have handled surviving my life. Being someone else, for most of my life was much safer than being me.

I was given a talent for singing. However I resisted that gift, and found myself not pursuing musical work, even though I loved it, I was too terrified to audition for things. This is not uncommon for actors to not enjoy the audition process , but this was a huge place of resistance a place that I had not gone in 10 years, a place that the mere mention of singing in public would make me break out in a sweat.

So what shows up right before my 50th birthday was having my husband cast as the lead in a seriously difficult musical piece. I have always been fine with him going away to work but this time it bothered me, so he said " why not do the show with me". A clever solution, but not easily remedied.

The director then invited me to audition for the two of the lead female roles.

A terror like never before welled up inside of me. This was a moment that my soul had called forth to face. Something grabbed a hold of me and made me confront this horrible fear.
I took it on like my life depended on it. Four songs and four monologues I had to prepare in four days.

My husband Jeff, assisted me to prepare which was an added bonus of taking care of myself. It was joyous gift to work with him.

I became the driver of a huge emotional bulldozer in clearing this path . I refused to stop until I was prepared and in that audition hall. Singing my ass off, and having ....a ball.

I was for the first time in my whole life present to the daunting process that had terrorized me since I was cast as Cinderella in first grade.

I was completely satisfied. A vibrational exercise in musical expression and crafting emotion that my soul demanded. Getting cast would be nice, but I did my job, and I am happy with that.

So I celebrated walking on a path I had chosen to clear, symbolically captured in this photo that was taken by Jeff on my 50th, as we joyously walked to the cliffs above the ocean in Santa Barbara.

There is a part of all of us that stops us from being our best. We all have fears that keep us from flowing in right resonance. Strange obstacles we keep in our way of having extraordinary lives.

When we make a choice to face our fears, we not only get the opportunities to confront them, but we get help in clearing the path.