Saturday, October 3, 2009

Reconnoitering Connection

I have had a hard time staying IN my body.

I knew after years of working with healers and various therapies that I could easily “leave my body," split or disassociate myself from pain.
My survival skills were in place to handle the childhood onslaught of trauma. I lived in disconnect between my mind and my body.
However years of training as an actress helped me to be present while "playing" a character, helping me deal with deep emotion behind the guise of a role, but honestly, when I was off stage I longed to find ways for Marla to get away, and it is all catching up to me now.
The nature of my work takes me out to connect with information, and commune with frequencies that are not of this world. I bridge the gap between the living and the dead. I love my work, I'm good at it, but its not really the most popular topic for a dinner conversation when getting to know me.
I recently re-connected with an old friend. As I was giving a dirty martini explanation of my last 15 years, it was me that was shaken . I came home from that dinner unable to sleep; I realized that I have spent so much time disconnected from my body.

I know I briefly anchored myself in my marriage. It was a safe feeling to know that I was tethered to someone who was much more physical than me. I could go off into the ether's, float and do my work like a information seeking weather balloon, knowing I had a steady point to return to.

But trust, like fine blasted sand just slipped through my grasping fingers, a self fulfilling prophecy of never getting a good grip. The balloon was let go, soaring out of control popped with the pressure and fell like broken space debris.

As I recover, I find I am jealous of those who are fully present in the physical. The grace in which they move in their lives is so striking…it is their nature to Be physical, they revel in it, I am in awe.
My Tae Kwan Do instructors have power and grace at their whim. I marvel and am inspired by the feminine and masterful force they teach with. They just informed me that after my training for four years, they finally see me able to focus. Jesus. My dear friend Maya, trading in her bikini for snow boots moved to Idaho and transformed her professional swimming, beach volleyball days to be an intuitive massage therapist reminds me over and over again how different we think because I am so astral, (out of the body, in spirit) and she lives and works though the physical, yet we are the closest of friends.
I have distant memories of the warm butter skin of a radiant Bronze Norwegian God, whose captivating nature could melt my force field for brief moments, but if this thought was manifested, I might find myself lost in a snow storm and reduced to a puddle. I laugh at the ironic beauty of seeing this aspect of myself and surprised that I covet all these sentient physical beings.

Damn, this body is really important…it is the portal for miracles, and I see now trauma has made an invisible force field appear at my subconscious will.. But I am forced this year to face my fears.
It is the strength of spirit and the nature of my intuition that reminds me, that nothing outside of myself, jobs, people addictions, or medications can rectify the disconnect…it is the integration of our experiences .....and most difficult, to FEEL the process of staying IN my body.
Another journey is before me.